


Enough love

by crazed_peanut



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, CarrierVerse, Dan - Freeform, Established Relationship, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hospitals, M/M, Mpreg, Mpreg AU, One Shot, Pregnancy, parent!phan, premature delivery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 08:58:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7838599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazed_peanut/pseuds/crazed_peanut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We follow Dan through his second pregnancy.</p>
<p>Mpreg, Don't read if you don't like!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Enough love

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, I really hope you enjoy this! It went through a few transformations before i settled on this final version, and I'm proud of it!
> 
> The events and characters in this story are a figment of my imagination.

***Too early***

Phil is on reading duty tonight.

“Hop into bed, little one! Did you choose a book?”

Starr holds up “What brothers do best”, but doesn’t hand it to Phil.

“Papa, we need to read to the baby, too!” he protests.

“Daddy’s not feeling well tonight, Stardust, and he’s already in bed. How about we go and give his belly a kiss after we’re done with the story?”

Starr agrees, though reluctantly. This has been his routine for a few months and much like his fathers, he prefers to stick to one. It turns out not to be a big problem however, because by the third page, he’s already asleep. Phil rejoins his husband in the master bedroom.

“How are you feeling?”

“Not well. I keep having cramps and I’d think this is labor was I not a male carrier.” Dan complains.

Phil tries to calm him down, though he himself is a bit worried. This hadn’t happened while Dan was carrying Starr. It’s too early for this baby to come anyways, Dan’s barely 7 months pregnant. “I’m sure it’ll be better in the morning. Baby’s probably moving too much, we got him excited with that dance recital.”

“I hope you’re right, it’s bloody painful.” Just then another wave seems to hit Dan, because he hunches over and wails a bit. Phil’s body tenses on its own accord, but it’s over in less than 20 seconds.

“Otherwise wake me up, yeah? You don’t have to play brave, we’ll take you to the hospital.”

Dan groans.

“Promise me, Dan.”

“Okay, alright, I promise! Didn’t you have dishes to clean tonight?”

Phil only pretends to mind doing the house work, and Dan knows it. In reality he’s the most hands-on husband Dan could wish for.

By the time Phil brings some order in the kitchen and lounge, takes a shower and checks up on his son again, Dan’s drifted off to sleep. Phil notices that even now his face isn’t relaxed, even while resting Dan seems to be in pain. Just to be sure, he shoots Martyn a quick message.

_To: Martyn bro_

_Might need you tonight or early tmrw, dans not feeling well_

_From: Martyn bro_

_What’s wrong?_

_To: Martyn bro_

_He keeps having pains in his belly and even if they blow over I’ll make him go to the hospital, so probs gonna drop starr off in the morning_

_From: Martyn bro_

_No worries_

Phil turns to Dan again then and notices sweat covering his forehead and that his arm hairs are standing up. He reaches and caresses Dan gently before scooting down and closing his eyes.

Unsurprisingly it’s a restless night. Dan keeps tossing and whenever Phil wakes up, he gets the feeling Dan’s not sleeping either. Finally at about 6 in the morning Dan breaks. Phil’s had his hand on the bump until now and not a second after he feels the cramp, Dan cries out in pain.

“Phil… Phil, it hurts so bad.” Phil scrambles to get up and he’s not able to hide the urgency and worry in his movements. He tries convincing himself that they’re both overreacting, but once he turns the light on, the illusion shatters. Dan’s bled all over the sheets.

Everything happens too fast and not fast enough then. He messages Martyn, puts a few things of Starr’s in a backpack, helps Dan into a change of clothes and manages to grab a wallet, keys and his phone before they’re climbing into a cab. Dan’s not stopped crying and shaking since he got up and all Phil can do is reassure him that everything’s going to be fine, but he himself is panicking.

In the hospital he wants to scream to the staff that they’re not being fast enough, that _this is my husband, damnit, please make him better,_ but they’re going about it with the calmness required from medical professionals. That is, until Dan finally gets hooked to a monitor and the shift of the mood of the room sends chills down Phil’s spine. Their OB-GYN comes in- the same nice woman doctor, who delivered Starr.

“Dan, honey, we’ll take care of you, I promise.”

“What’s going on with me, please tell us!” Dan’s voice is wrecked with pain.

“The baby’s showing signs of distress.”

_Too early,_ Phil thinks, then his mind goes blank.

 

***Finding out is exciting***

This morning is one of the rare occasions when Dan wakes up before Phil. He had an uneasy sleep and is glad when its’s finally a reasonable time to get out of bed. If they’re lucky, they have a full half hour before their son wakes. Phil likes to pretend he’s a heavy sleeper, but he’s aware of every slight movement next to him and Dan takes advantage of this today. He shuffles around a bit and watches Phil become conscious. They quickly hop in the shower together, which is their usual by-weekly “morning date”. There’s no time for sex today (regrettably this is usually the case, Dan considers). He’s lathering Phil’s back with soap and asks:

“What’s the new one going to be you think?”

“I’m not sure if he’ll change it, he’s stuck with _Mika_ for quite a while now” Phil answers.

“I feel like he will, today. I could see him thinking about it yesterday while we read the Superman comic book.”

It’s not unusual for a child of their son’s age, 4, to want to change their name. Dan and Phil had both done it when they were this young, but it was a completely different experience for their son. Anytime someone would ask them how it all started, Dan would answer that it was probably when he was still pregnant. They couldn’t come up with a name for ages. They opted not to find out the sex of the baby before it was born- that was irrelevant to both of them. What mattered was that Dan was feeling well, and, quite honestly, if it wasn’t cheesy, Dan would say they were #blessed. He was grateful every single day of the pregnancy and completely aware that a lot of couples did not share their fortune- to have no fertility problems and to carry a healthy foetus to term.

“Are we going to come up with two names, or just one?” Phil had asked him.

“Let’s go for one, make it unisex.”

“But not something whacky.”

“No, keep it relatively normal.”

Neither realized how stressful naming an _actual human being_ was going to be. Dan was scheduled to have the c section on 24th May and they finally agreed on something a whole two days prior.  Thus baby Starr Howell-Lester was born and from the moment he could form words, he renamed himself.

It wasn’t even a game for him. He was pretty adamant to be called exactly what he wanted- and that was the first thing he said every morning, his new name. When Dan and Phil finally stopped waiting for this phase to pass, they started to have fun with it, too. They took guesses and bets and were generally encouraging. The one time Phil straight up pulled a face and urged Starr to think of a new name, was when the boy woke up and proudly proclaimed “Nigel!” Dan had to get out of the room to burst into a fit of laughter in private, a stark contrast to not-at-all-amused-Phil’s reaction.

Sometimes Starr would go a whole week content with his moniker. At a friend’s birthday party once, there had been lemon cake and Starr had loved it so much, he’d gone by _Lemon_ for a full 8 days. Dan had counted. It might have been his favorite one. There was Tom (because of Tom and Jerry), and Susan (which made Phil chuckle), and Frank (complete mystery how this came about), and Bonnie (Dan added “ _and Clyde”_ with each mention) and so, so many more, neatly written down in a book by Starr’s fathers. 

The shower is done and it’s a little after 7 am. Phil shuffles to the kitchen to make coffee and Dan goes to Starr’s room. The little boy has quite the routine. His parents wouldn’t say they “trained” him, because he’s not an animal, but if he happens to wake up before seven, well it’s completely fine that he manages to entertain himself until someone comes for him.

Dan hears his son moving about and opens the door. Starr is sitting on the floor, in a sea of toys and Dan can tell by his slow movements that he’s just woken up.

“Daddy!”

“Good morning, little one! What’s your name today?”

“Kal-El!” The boy says proudly and puts his fists in the air.

“Kal-El? I like it very much.”

“Yeah. It’s Superman’s real name and…” He rambles on excitedly while Dan carries him to the kitchen, where Phil’s started breakfast already.

A week later he’s sticking with Kal-El, but it’s far from a super-morning. Dan had not been able to wake up, so Phil showered alone, which put him in a grumpy mood. Not only did he have to take care of his son by himself, but the little one had thrown a particularly bad tantrum over wanting to just play with his toys instead of eat breakfast. Between consoling the boy and spilling his coffee, Phil finds time to worry about Dan. While he’s cleaning the kitchen counter, a pair of hands squeeze at his sides and a quick kiss tickles his neck.

“Good morning.” Dan greets groggily.

Phil turns to face him and brushes his fringe away from his face. “Hey you. Are you sick?”

“Don’t think so, but I’ve not been sleeping very well for a few days.”

“I could tell. Is something bothering you?”

Dan sighs. “I keep having this headaches and I can’t seem to get comfortable in our bed.”

“What else?” Phil asks, now even more concerned.

“I’ve been feeling sick since yesterday and it’s worse this morning.”

Phil looks up at Dan’s face. “Sweetheart, are you…”

“Yeah. I think I am.”

They smile at each other and kiss.

“That’s good though, right?” Phil continues. “We wanted this.” The second part also comes out as a question, but Phil doesn’t mean it like that.

“Yes. It’s good. I hope I am, but this morning sickness is going to end me.”

 “Worth it though. We’re going to have another baby. Our baby is going to be a big brother.”

“He’s gonna be the best big brother ever. Apart from the name changing. Number Two is going to be confused as hell.”  Phil laughs and his whole body shakes. “Number Two? Is that the working title?” Dan nods and smiles widely. They look at Starr simultaneously and Phil’s whole body feels warm with happiness. “You should go in for blood test though, to be sure.” He continues.

“I will. How about we schedule it today, hopefully they can see us by next week.”

“Yeah…”

“Are you even listening to me, Phil?” Dan laughs.

“I am! You’re pregnant! We’re having another baby!” Phil is overflowing with enthusiasm and happiness and Dan appreciates it he really does but he doesn’t want Starr to hear.

“You need to keep your voice down, sweetheart.” Dan reminds his husband and nods towards Starr.

“I get to be excited, Dan, we’ve been trying for two years and now finally…” Phil’s words catch in his throat and instead he smiles, real and big.

 

***Giving birth is scary***

“Would you like me to repeat that?” D-r Howard asks politely and both men nod.

“Your baby has a very slow heartbeat and we’re concerned it’s difficulties staying alive in there. So you’ll need to have surgery as soon as possible, Dan. Now, I don’t want you to worry, this doesn’t pose any danger to you, and the baby…”

“Is too small.” Phil cuts her off. “Is it… is our baby going to even survive if Dan gives birth now?”

“I won’t lie to you, as with every birth this early, there’s a significant chance your baby won’t be able to breathe properly at first, among other things, but I promise you we’ll do everything we can.”

“Can’t you just… is there any way….” Dan’s struggling to form proper thoughts and sentences. Fear- for himself and the baby, is preventing him.

“I’m sorry but the C-section is inevitable in this situation and we really need to work fast here. This means something else though, too. We don’t have enough time to wait for the epidural to kick in, so we’ll have to put you under.”

There’s a pause and Dan’s wrecked with a sob he couldn’t hold in anymore. He won’t witness it, he won’t be awake when his baby is born. He couldn’t keep it safe in his body and he won’t be able to when it’s finally born either. It’s crushing news and the worst part is they both know they don’t have a choice. Before they even finish giving their consent, before Phil can even kiss Dan for good luck and courage, he’s been wheeled off. Phil’s not allowed anywhere near the OR, but D-r Howard assures them the whole surgery would last just about an hour and she’ll come to update them both once Dan is conscious again.

Phil looks at his phone then, a mechanical gesture, as if he could have missed something important- nothing was worth his attention now other than his husband and their unborn baby. His eyes well up a little at the thought but he still manages to read a message from his brother:

_From: Martyn bro_

_I'm driving mum to the hospital. Be there in 20_

He has just enough time to go to the main entrance before Martyn is dropping off their mother. The two brothers share a hug and Phil knows Martyn puts every bit of comfort in it, he should remember to thank him later, and then he's off. His mother gathers him in her arms like only a mother can and he sobs. He's never been so scared in his life.

He really should be more aware they're in public, but whatever, this is a hospital, and he doubts he's the first one to cry on its steps.

Nevertheless, both of them migrate back to Dan's room, which is still empty. They sit on the couch and that's when Phil notices his mother is saying something... Words, they sound soothing and she's probably trying to comfort him, but he can't hear her over the constant ringing of panic in his ears.

He's no doubt cutting her off when he finally speaks.

“If something happens to the baby… we won’t even get to see it. God, mum, we didn’t even find out if it’s a boy or a girl! What are we going to tell Starr? He wants to meet his sibling so bad and how do you tell a child their sibling has…”

“Phil, darling, you need to calm down, okay? Take deep breaths and focus. Your baby’s going to be fine, I’m sure of it. You’ve got a team of excellent doctors and this is their job, yeah? You’ll get to hold your baby, and Dan will get to do the same, you will go home and be a family of four.”

Phil doesn’t calm down, how could he? Every little stupid fantasy and discussion they’ve had in the past 7 months seems like a cruel joke. Who fucking cares about the color of the nursery, about the name, about buying too much baby things? Not Phil, not now when the life of his child is at stake. The child he doesn’t yet know, the one he loves so much it hurts right now.

During the pregnancy Phil struggled a great deal with his feelings. Privately, of course, but he knew Dan noticed. Naturally, he was thrilled they’d have another baby, but then he’d look at Starr- his firstborn, his son, his pride and joy, and wonder if he can ever love another child like that. Starr is energetic, witty, and compassionate and on a few occasions Phil found himself debating if he had enough love inside him, or if it would just materialize when he held his second child for the first time. Now, now he knew- his parental instinct was sitting idle inside him and waiting for the proper moment to develop. It takes the devastating feeling of powerlessness and the knowledge that his own flesh and blood is fighting for its life, but now Phil realizes finally that he’s been a father of two since the first moment Dan became pregnant and how utterly ignorant he’d been in the matters of family, loyalty, and love.

If it really has been an hour since Dan disappeared through the door, Phil wouldn’t be able to tell. It must be, because Dan’s being brought back in, D-r Howard following closely behind. His mother whispers something about staying strong no matter what and scurries out of the room. Phil forces his body off the couch and towards Dan, where he takes his husband’s ice cold hand in his and kisses it. Dan’s gaze is sluggish when it moves to Phil and it becomes instantly glossy with tears. He regains coherence quite quickly after that, all while D-r Howard patiently waits. One time Phil looks at her and she’s the angel of death, another time she’s their savior. Phil blinks away from her and focuses on his partner, then she speaks up.

“Congratulations, you delivered a baby girl.”

 

***Pregnancy is beautiful***

 

Three months in, when they’re relatively safe (miscarriages are more common with male carriers), they tell their son and he’s as excited as his Papa had been. They have a little camera set up, he’s sitting in his Daddy’s lap and at once his eyes go big and he lifts Dan’s shirt “to see the baby”. He’s nothing less than adorable when they show him the ultrasound. He takes the “funny photo” in his little hands and turns it every way possible before finally proclaiming it doesn’t look like a baby at all. Phil agrees wholeheartedly.

The best part for Phil is that this time around Dan starts showing much earlier. That way Starr is involved pretty much since the moment they tell him. He never misses an opportunity to lift Dan’s shirt and press a kiss on his tummy. It’s doubtful that Starr can grasp the whole, _real_ situation- in a few months’ time their family will be forever changed and he’ll have to share from his toys to his fathers’ attention. For now it’s just a game to him, but a very exciting one- there’s a baby in Daddy’s belly and it loves being played music, talked to and read bedtime stories.

The early appearance of a bump means that even casual people that look at Dan can tell that he’s with child, and Phil loves this. _Yes, that’s right, this is my gorgeous husband here and he’s carrying my baby, are you jealous? I would be!_ is his inner monologue every time someone stares for a second too long. It also occurs to him how privileged he is to live in a time where carriers are treated normally and are not discriminated against. They get treated like normal expecting parents, and along with that come the annoying (according to Dan) questions from strangers:

“Is this your first one?” _No, we have a boy and he’s very excited to be a big brother._

“You look great for being x months pregnant!” _He does, doesn’t he?_ Phil always gloatingly asks. _He really is just graceful in his pregnancies, constantly glowing._

Naturally the part about Dan being graceful is a complete lie, but they both like to pretend. All that comes with bearing a child- morning sickness, heartburn, mood swings, they’ve experienced. The other times however, are the ones they focus on- that Dan is strong enough to grow an actual human being and that they get to share it all with their son. 

As the months progress, they come up with a joke. Phil would ask Starr what he wants for breakfast and the little one will reply with “A Daddy sandwich!” then they’d sneak back into the master bedroom and cuddle Dan from both sides. Dan always acts like it’s the best hug he’s ever had.

One such morning Starr shuffles down and under the duvet and starts kissing Dan’s belly. The man turns his head as much as he can to Phil and lets his husband kiss him on the forehead, then on the nose and finally he gets a quick peck on the lips.

“Daddy, is the baby a boy or a girl?”

“We don’t know yet, little one, we’ll find out when it’s born.”

“What’s its name?”

“We haven’t picked one yet, do you have a suggestion?” Phil jumps in. They’ve been expecting this talk. They’ve had it themselves, but somehow they’ve found nothing that fits perfectly yet.

 

Starr shrugs.

“I like “Blue”.”

““Blue”? Why that one?”

“It’s my favorite color.” Starr states.

“Okay. How about we list some things that are blue?” Dan suggests.

“The sky, the sea, the carpet in my room.” Starr shoots out in rapid succession. Dan and Phil are both laughing. “When we went on that field trip last week there were blue flowers along the river. They were pretty.”

“Rivers are blue.” Phil jumps in. Dan suddenly looks at him and mouths _River._ There’s a little smile on both of their faces and each knows what the other one is thinking. Phil toys with the name in his head. It fits, for every gender for that matter and he likes it very much. Starr rambles on with suggestions, but Dan and Phil are pretty sure they’re done searching.

“Starr and River go well together, don’t they?” Phil asks that evening. He doesn’t even need to hear the answer, because at the mention on both names together, Dan’s eyes water from happiness and this is confirmation enough.

 

***To hold your baby is a privilege***

“River, isn’t it?” D-r Howard asks and both men nod. “She’s currently in intensive care and our pediatricians are monitoring her.”

_Not dead then,_ Phil thinks crudely. The Doctor continues.

“When we took her out, she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her arm and neck and she wasn’t breathing. You probably felt her moving a bunch the past few days and she tangled herself up.”

“I didn’t realize it’s dangerous.” Dan interrupts.

“It’s not your fault, you can’t have known.”

Dan asks if he can see her, _his daughter,_ but the few seconds of silence tell him everything he needs to know.

“I’m sorry to do this to you, but we’ll be keeping a close watch on her for the next 12 hours and visitors are not allowed in intensive care.”

“Not even me? I gave birth to her!”

“Dan…”

“Don’t “Dan” me! My baby needs me. I need… I need _her…_ ”

“What she needs” D-r Howard continues “is exactly what she’s getting now- the best care in this hospital and eyes on her constantly for the next half day. What she also needs is that her fathers are calm and brave and strong for her, can you do that for me? Can you calm down and focus all your positive energy to your baby girl?”

The Doctor stays with them a few more minutes and after advising both men to rest, scribbles some notes in Dan’s patient file and leaves. Phil sits properly on the bed and takes Dan’s feet in his lap. It’s a soothing gesture they adopted early in their relationship. He rubs at them and speaks soothingly to Dan, who’s not stopped crying. Phil can’t blame him.

“My mother is in the waiting room, do you want me to call her in?”

Dan nods. There’s something comforting in having a mother figure there, even if it’s not his own, Catherine is as good as. Phil disappears for a moment and comes back with her. She doesn’t waste a moment before hugging Dan tightly.

“Oh, my boys, it’s going to be alright, I promise! Tell me what the Doctor said.”

“We have a little girl, mum.” Phil starts and then as quickly as he can manage before breaking down, explains the situation.

“… and we can see her first thing tomorrow.” Phil finishes. “I’ll stay with Dan and you ad Starr…”

“No.” Dan interjects. “Go home, Phil, get some sleep and kiss my baby boy for me.”

Phil hesitates, because he truly wants to be as near to his husband and baby as possible, but in the end decides to humor Dan. He nods and the three of them go silent. Dan is the one to speak first, albeit through more tears. “You should tell Starr that… That he has a baby sister and that… um… that Daddy and River are very tired and the nice doctors at the hospital will be taking care of them in the next couple of days.”

Phil’s brain stops dead in its tracks. If it was up to him he would have gone with the truth, wouldn’t ever want to lie to his child, or at least that’s what he thought until about a minute ago. Now he sees it- a five year old is to be spared this kind of truth, for all of their sakes. Once again Dan’s motherly, or carrier instincts have kicked in, even when one would expect they be overshadowed by worry and panic. Phil’s so, so goddamn thankful for this, for his husband.

Catherine excuses herself and Dan and Phil are alone again. The few afternoon hours remaining are a blur, mostly spent in the men glaring at the door, waiting for a doctor to come in and announce their baby’s miraculous world-record-fast recovery. When they’re not doing that, they’re discussing utterly unimportant details about baby clothes, car seats and sleeping schedules, really anything to keep their minds busy.

Around 8 a nurse comes to remind Phil he has to go, so he does. He’s in the lift to the parking garage, in his worst nightmare as a parent- to have to trust other people with the life of his and Dan’s little creation, to be completely helpless.

***Pregnancy is a rollercoaster***

After a full day of activities Starr is pooped and falls asleep right on bed time. That means it’s not even 8 in the evening and Dan and Phil have a whole quiet night to themselves. Phil pops open a bottle of red wine in the kitchen before slapping himself mentally. His husband is two months pregnant, he can’t have alcohol. Nevertheless, he brings out two wine glasses. Dan eyes him questioningly.

“There’s Ribena in yours don’t worry.”

“Oh, but you’re still having wine?” Dan laughs but somehow Phil doesn’t find that amusing, he gets embarrassed.

“Should I… not? I’m sorry I didn’t think about it I’ll go pour myself a Ribena too.”

“Hey, Phil, I was kidding.” Dan says and tugs Phil’s arm so he sits next to him on the couch. “You can have whatever you want. Just because I don’t drink…”

“No, no you’re right, I should be sympathetic.”

So Dan lets him go with a sigh. He hears Phil pouring the wine in the sink and stirring his Ribena, before coming back. Dan feels bad, because it’s Friday and Phil should be able to have a glass of wine if he wants to (he doubts it would have been more than that, Phil’s not a drinker), but he lets it go and focuses on the movie they’ve put on. Eventually that becomes background noise to them making out. Dan is occupying Phil’s lap and grinding down on him. It’s nice and slow but Dan wants to feel Phil’s bare skin. He takes them both out and grips them in one hand. Phil lets out a content sigh and bucks into his husband’s palm.

“Do we have lube here?” Phil asks. “I want to be inside you.”

Dan stops his movements. “Phil… we can’t. The fetus… it’s not even a baby, we could harm it.” Phil doesn’t even try to hide his disappointment. He lets his head fall back on the couch.

“We could… I mean, I could…” Dan tries.

“I don’t… I’m not in the mood for that, honey, I’m sorry.”

“That’s alright, I’m sorry too.” Dan coos and then turns on his most seductive voice. “I could still blow you.”

Phil agrees eagerly to that and then later returns the favor, the awkward air around the whole experience makes them both giggle at the end. They’re both more than ready to give up some simple pleasures for a few months, if it means that at the end they get to hold their newborn.

Not all the time mishaps can be brushed off, however. The morning sickness, back pain and the constant mood swings are worse than Phil remembers them. He tries not to be mad, because his husband is carrying their child, and Phil can put up with 9 months of this for the sake of having another baby. It’s so much easier said than done however, that they end up fighting badly a few times. Phil’s tired of walking on eggshells constantly and Dan… well, he’s just tired of being pregnant if he has to be honest.

It’s especially ugly when one day Dan finally manages to make Starr cry. Dan should have known better, Phil maintains afterwards.

“Can you stop singing for a minute, Starr, Daddy has a headache.” Dan asks of his kid and it should be an innocent request.

“Silly Daddy, I’m not Starr, I’m George, don’t you remember?”

Phil watches the situation unfold with a furrowed brow. Before he could jump in and save the day, Dan snaps.

“God, I’m tired of this! We didn’t name you George, I don’t get why you refuse to use your real name! It’s not funny anymore, Starr, you’re five already, it’s time you grew out of this phase!”  

Dan then gets up (with particular difficulty because of his growing belly) and without sparing his boy a second glance, heads out of the room. Phil is stunned for a second, and he doesn’t register how upset Starr has become. He’s completely torn on what to do. On the one hand, he’s sure Dan didn’t mean to shout and be offensive and he wants to go and ask him what’s really wrong, on the other he’s a grown up and could deal with this himself while Phil consoles Starr.

Father and son are sitting on the couch and Starr presses his face into Phil’s chest.

“Why is Daddy so mad at me?”

Phil sighs. “He’s not, Stardust, I promise, it’ just those funny pregnancy hormones that sometimes make Daddy behave not like himself.”

The boy is quiet for a minute while Phil strokes his back. “Is it because Daddy loves the new baby more?”

Phil’s heart breaks. It’s crazy how a kid’s brain works, he thinks, but then again Starr’s been an only child for 5 years now, it’s bound to be hard on him once his sibling arrives. Phil plunges into an elaborate explanation of how siblings and parental love works while trying not to start crying. In the end he hopes all he said sticks with Starr.

“Do I have to say sorry to Daddy?” He finally asks.

“Of course not, you did nothing wrong.”

“But he doesn’t like it when I change my name and I did it again today.”

“You know why Daddy was upset about that? Because when we chose your name, he fell in love with it, and he couldn’t wait to use it and now sometimes he just wants to call you his shining Starr. Today was probably one of those days.”

“Can I tell you a secret, Papa?” Phil nods. “I like my name.”

Phil can’t even count how many times he’s been stunned today already. That was the last thing he expected and his curiosity is gnawing at him, he has to prompt an explanation.

“Yeah? Why don’t we use it then?”

“Because all the other names are cool too.”

“What makes a name cool?”

“Well… there’s this boy at choir, whose name is George and he’s really nice to everyone. I want to be like him… he’s cool.” Starr explains in a childish way, but Phil understands. He wishes Dan could have heard it too.

“Stardust, it’s amazing that you want to be nice like your friends. But if you like a person, then you like their name, not the other way around, do you understand? There’s probably a really bad man out there whose name is also Phil, like mine, but I’m cool, aren’t I?”

“Sometimes…” Starr answers and Phil laughs with relief. Definitely Dan’s son.

“I’m going to find Daddy and then he’s going to apologize, because he wasn’t very nice to you.”

“Can I come with you?”

“Sure, little one.” They sneak up to the bedroom door, which is slightly ajar and peek inside. Dan’s lying in bed under a duvet.

“Is Daddy sick?” Starr asks.

“He’s probably not feeling well because he shouted at you. Let’s go give him a hug, it’ll make it better.” Phil suggests.

Starr climbs in the bed in the most careful way a 5 year old can manage. Dan looks at him (he’s been crying) and immediately gathers him in his arms and starts apologizing. Starr is cuddled against his bump and puts his little arms around his father.

Guilt’s gnawing at Dan for the next two weeks and he wants to make it up to his little boy. They book a short 4 day getaway in a small French village in the most kid-friendly hotel they can find. It’s almost too perfect, because on the second day Starr doesn’t want to leave the play area, even when it’s time for his afternoon nap.

“He’s old enough now, he can go without a nap or two.” Phil remarks.

“He may as well, but his Daddy can’t.”

“You can go lie down, I’ll stay with him for a little more. I’m sure when he notices you’re gone he’ll want to come find you anyway.” Phil suggests and Dan is too tired and uncomfortable to even argue. Phil gives him a quick peck and sends him up. It’s not even 10 minutes later when his phone vibrates in his pocket.

_From: Dan hubby_

_pls come upstairs_

Starr is pouting when Phil tells him they need to go, but he’s a considerate little boy and understands that Daddy and the baby need their help. In the small living area of their apartment Dan’s sitting on the sofa not in any apparent distress. Phil asks Starr to _please go to the bedroom_ while he talks to Dan. He kneels in front of his husband and notices he’s been crying.

“What happened, Dan what’s wrong?”

Dan answers through sobs. “I couldn’t…. get my… my bloody shoes off. The belly… it’s in the way and… and I couldn’t bend down… far enough. ‘m sorry I called you.”

Phil could laugh with relief. He was worried sick of the two minutes it took the elevator to go up. It’s a big deal to Dan though, he’s upset, so instead Phil calms him down and takes his shoes off. It’s a bit of a struggle and it’s ungraceful, because Dan’s feet are more puffy than usual, which apparently also happens.

This is definitely not making it into the list of “Favorite moments during the pregnancy”, and they do keep one of those.  

 

***All of us***

Phil sleeps right through his alarm the next morning. When he looks at his phone, a notification _3 missed calls from: Dan hubby_ stares at him mockingly, just below the clock which shows 10:32. He doesn’t want to hear any kind of news over the phone, good or bad, so he decides to get ready as quickly as possible and drive back to the hospital.

_This is it then. Our fate has been sealed, I just don’t know what it is yet. Dan knows though…. Oh god, Dan knows and he’s had to go through it alone if it’s bad…_ Phil’s brain won’t shut up and a panic attack seems imminent. He doesn’t know if he should be hopeful or realistic and _what does realistic even mean?_ Should he pray? He doesn’t even believe in God! He just wants to know… he blinks rapidly a few times and realizes he’s in the hospital parking lot already. He doesn’t know how he got there.

_Phil get a grip, breathe, one foot in front of the other, that’s right. Okay, you’re here, open the door. Just open the door and step through, Phil. Dan’s in there. He needs you. Your baby needs you._

He finally manages to talk himself into in. in the hospital room Dan is sitting in the bed. He’s been crying. Either that or he hasn’t slept all night, which is also a valid scenario.

“Philly…”

“I’m sorry, Dan, I overslept.”

“It’s okay. I… the Doctor came earlier and said that River… she’s a fighter, our little girl, she’s going to be okay.”

Phil is rendered speechless before he breaks down crying in relief Dan’s lap.

“It’s okay, cry it out.” Dan sooths him. “She’s fine, she’ll be fine, and everything’s going to be okay. We can even see her, but I was waiting for you, wanted us to go together.”

A nice nurse escorts them down the hall, all the while trying to prepare them for the sight.

“Your baby is small, you know that, right? She may not seem like it, but she’s so strong. I have to tell you, we have her hooked up to a couple of machines and the tubes coming out of her may scare you. Now, I don’t want you to worry, she’s not in any pain and we’ll be taking good care of her.”

Phil quickly finds out that no, the nurse wasn’t exaggerating at all. He can barely see River in the incubator from all the tubes and wires around her. He hears Dan ask if they could touch her. He’s not sure it’s a good idea- she’s tiny and fragile, and he sighs in relief when the nurse says no.

“Not even her hand? I promise, I’ll be very careful!” Dan pleads.

“I’m sorry, honey, maybe tomorrow, alright? I promise, we’re doing it for her own good.” The nurse reassures them. Dan slumps back in his wheelchair and for the umpteenth time in the past day, starts crying. They stay there for a while, watching River’s small chest rise and fall rapidly, undoubtedly aided by at least one of the machines around her.

For six days all they’re allowed to do is watch River through the glass of the incubator, and occasionally hold her tiny hand through a hole. Then, on the seventh Phil walks in the same hospital room he so, so hates, to find Dan holding River and smiling down at her.

“Phil, look, they let me! Come see her, come hold her…. Finally.”

Phil takes a couple of cautious steps forward and looks at the bundle in Dan’s hands. There’s more blanket than there is baby. He knows he should be overjoyed right now, but panic is bubbling up in his chest when Dan goes to hand him River. He’s completely overwhelmed and for some reason, scared that he doesn’t…. he can’t touch her. He tries taking deep breaths, but there’s not enough air in the room, he needs to get out. So he does. Phil runs out of the room, the hospital, leaving behind a dumbfounded Dan.

It probably takes him a full half hour before he can breathe properly again. He stays on the hospital steps a few moments longer before it hits him what he’s done. He had a panic attack and ran away from his husband and daughter…. What must Dan be thinking right now? He must be so confused, maybe he thinks that… No, Phil stops speculating and on his way to the car dials Dan.

“Philly, where are you? Are you okay?”

“I’m okay. I’m sorry I ran off on you. I’m in my car right now.”

“No, Phil, please come back….”

“I will, Dan, I promise, of course I’ll come back! Listen, I… God, when I saw River in your arms I… wasn’t prepared. Dan, she’s so small, I just think they could have kept her in the incubator for a while longer, until she’s better. I freaked out because I was scared she was going to break when I hold her.”

“And do you know now that that’s not true?” Dan asks patiently.

“I mean…”

“No, not “I mean”. She’s a tough cookie, she won’t break. She’ll never break, because we’ll protect her yeah? You and I and Starr are her family and we won’t let anything bad happen to her anymore. Now she’s here, she’s not on those machines and she needs her parents. Now will you please come back?”

“I will, I’m coming back, I just need to do something first. Be there in like an hour, okay? I love you.”

“Love you back.”

For the past week whenever Phil was headed to the hospital, he’d leave Starr at Martyn’s. He’s heading there now to pick him up. He has a sibling to meet.

“Papa, are we going to see baby sister?”

“Yes, Stardust, we are.”

“And Daddy?”

“Daddy’s there too, we’ll see them both.”

“Can I hold the baby?”

“Of course, but you have to be very careful, alright?” Phil explains “She’s still small, so we’ll have to be soft with her. You can’t cuddle her as strong as you do Daddy, okay? You can give her little kisses on her head though.”

“Okay.” Starr agrees. “Why do you have flowers, Papa?”

“They’re for your Daddy, because I love him very much.”

When Phil opens Dan’s door, before he can instruct Starr to be careful with Daddy too, the boy runs and climbs on the bed. Thankfully River is in her cot next to the bed and not in Dan’s arms. Phil walks to her and picks her up. Starr’s telling Dan about his last week in nursery, so Phil can have a private moment with his daughter. _His daughter._

“Hi, baby girl. It took us a while to meet, huh? I’m your papa and I love you so very much, and you’re so beautiful.” Phil goes to kiss her and sheds a few happy tears. Across the room, Starr asks his Daddy:

“Did Papa also cry when I was a baby?”

“Of course he did, my little shining Starr. I did too, you know?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. We were so happy to have you, we’re still happy. Love you.”

“Love you too, Daddy.”

“Now, go say hi to baby sister!”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Tell me what you think in the comments and hit the kudos if you enjoyed this. I don't have tumblr, so all my other fics are also hosted here (and only here), go and give them a read if you like!


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